Apr 01, 2016 • Jessica Jones
Here at Slamdot, folks are always asking us how to improve SEO. Unsurprisingly, we have A LOT OF IDEAS!
Is your Satirical English Overlord extra cranky lately? Making proclamations all willy nilly and issuing particularly tyrannical punishments when he feels his needs aren’t being met? Perhaps you could put him in a better mood by optimizing your links.
Try using premium sausages instead of the same old store brand you’ve been getting for his bangers and mash. Maybe buy a new variety - he might just be bored! A nice breakfast of maple sage or chicken and apple links will perk your SEO right up!
Are you concerned that the Sloth Equality Organization won’t approve of your website because it’s too difficult for sloths to navigate? Sloths aren’t the fastest readers you know - you can make your site far more sloth-friendly by optimizing your keyword! Just one - one is all you need - sloths won’t make it past the first word anyway!
Not sure how to choose the most effective keyword? That’s an easy one! “Leaves.” If your competitor is already using that one, try “Bugs.” Afraid that a single keyword won’t be enough content for your website? MAKE IT BIGGER. At least 300pt. Then repeat it a few times. Oh, and you should probably change your business’s logo to the keyword, too. So what if your business sells printing services instead of leaves? The sloths will come anyway, and your SEO ranking will go through the roof!
If your target audience includes a lot of Super Enthusiastic Ornithologists and your website just isn’t engaging them enough, the solution is clear. You need to be tweeting more. Tweeting effectively may seem like a huge investment of time, but it’s not as hard as you think! Peterson has a great app that will allow you to listen to the tweets of just about any variety of bird you can think of!
Try spending more time in trees - not only will it give you an opportunity to practice your tweets, but you might have some golden opportunities to rub elbows with the ornithologists themselves! In no time at all you’ll be killing it with the SEO!
Not all strategies work for all businesses, but these ideas should give you some great starting points for skyrocketing your digital presence INTO THE STRATOSPHERE! (Or at least into the trees!)
Also? Just one quick note … I heard that John Peters - you know, the farmer? - is a little upset with you for accidentally burning down his barn when we suggested you try smoke signals last year (sorry about that). You could probably make it up to him by training some Seriously Energetic Orangutans to help him harvest his crops this year. We’re sure that nothing could go wrong!